what an epic and amazing song that is, I can hear strains of it now in the back of my head, like a big echoing room kind of sound.
I was just on kristin's blog. she's so awake, I'm still so asleep some of the time, like I can't shake the edges of the coma that I was in all winter. it's helping so much now that the weather has changed, and I have a new sponsor, and I making the necessary changes to move away from a job that's not paying me enough, and... like I'm learning to walk again. it's been this terrified, quiet world, like underwater, and not good underwater.
I've started getting easier on myself. things are coming back into perspective. buddy's in the window, transfixed on a moth. I'm dreading bathing suit season. I'm halfway through my credit card debt. I don't take any medications. I do like omega brite, it seems to be muffling the noise... that incessant noise... those moments and then hours and days that I can't seem to shake.
they're shooting a movie at the house next door. farlanders. I've got allergies the size of a lethal flu, and I finally - finally - got my camera charger back from that wedding I shot back in who knows when over the fall. I got stuck, shoes glued to the floor, and I couldn't undo the straightjacket to untie my laces. there's more acceptance now, and working on things, and healthy food and more time out of the house.
I took a job doing venetian plaster on a rich guy's foyer walls. it was so creative and rewarding. I hope they want me back.
so I keep getting snapshots of myself back, things don't hurt every minute anymore, it's going from a constant weight to pangs, the occasional crack in the face with a bat that stops me in my tracks, and then normalcy. I never thought I'd want normal so bad, ever. and going through this whole thing with raf six feet away in our apartment - I don't know how he's done it. I don't know how I'm not wasted.
life is so hard. and so good.
my anniversary and birthday were fairly uneventful, a little party ripe with fresh guacamole at becca's house, and a little shopping for the first time in forever.
I need to water my plants. buddy has a faux-jungle up on my bookshelf in the living room. we chased a dog for a while last night in the car, but he wouldn't come over. he was just trotting at this fast paced, disoriented, scared, and animal control won't come unless animals are causing a problem... I think being far from home and scared is a problem... not enough to stop the labor day festivities I guess.
I get labor day and memorial day confused too.
I had to take nighttime cold medicine because we're out of allergy stuff. now I'm nodding out like a dope fiend. awesome.
blinking in the bright sunlight, so glad to recognize things again, it will probably get manageable and then all of a sudden the holidays will start again. I mean, I know it's just barely june and all, but I can't help it. peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys, everything is temporary... right?
kiss kiss
vvb