all I wanted was time. there was always so much to do and so many places to go... now I have all the time in the world and I'd give anything to have all the busy back. like an old guy at a meeting put it recently, I have to stop hoping for a better past.

so what I have managed to piece together (because it's up in my face at however many decibels would make it really loud) is that leaving my house is good and bad all at once, but moreso that I'm treating raf like shit and taking things out on him that have nothing to do with him. this is for two reasons: there's a part of me that feels like I'm scared he's going to leave, so I halt at a point and I want to stop working on the relationship. like this wall we keep hitting, in a couple of different arenas. but it's the same wall. the other is that the last few years have gotten progressively more difficult, and I've been dealing with varying degrees of depression and reality - and it's caused me to "lose interst in my activities" as the psychoanalyst tests put it - and I've identified doing that with dating him. when it's not him at all. and knowing both of those things is a huge, huge relief.

I don't even know why I'm putting this out on my blog, mostly because it's easier to type than to write and it's all right here and it's sunday night at almost 11 pm. I'm tired and sick and my head is exploding. the whole time my mom was sick this last month, like, sick sick, it's been about taking care of her. and my sister has been visibly more upset than I have, and it's because I wouldn't let my head go to "well what do we do when (blank) and mom's not there?" and now my head is starting to do it. who's going to call on my birthday? or make easter baskets? what happens in like, ten years, when something is going on - where do I go, what do I do? and raf was like, well, you could go to your sister's... what if something goes wrong? this huge emotional, mental, and at times financial security blanket has just been ripped off of me and I don't know what to do.

man up, I guess. tomorrow is monday, and it's a good day to start. it better be, because I don't think I have a choice anymore.